obsession

Not again.

I sit up.

I know it when it’s coming. The splitting heat. The perspiration.

And as if I didn’t know.

I run my hands over my face.

Words escape into the air. Even when all of me is sweating away.

And I watch them form. ‘There’s nothing’.

And then, there is nothing.

I need to hold on. I hear myself again.

There’s nothing.

I catch the words in the air.

And put them back into my head.

Lest it’s too late. I watch. ‘There’s nothing’.

And I keep repeating it.

But I know. I know I’m failing.

The words fade before I can read them.Fading faster every next time.

I’ve to try something else.

Something stronger. Harder.

I can’t feel my outlines. I’m all melt. Already.

And I see them.Hazy.The tears.

The ones I love. They’re smiling. I have to do this for them.

I hear the sneers. The passes.

It’s a strange cacophony.

It’s like a billion bees buzzing .Stinging me at a billion places.

The things people have said.

From a distant land within myself, I’ve tried so hard to hide.

I hear a voice. Mine.

‘Not Anymore’.

Blinding and deafening, it stinks of vehemence. It’s a last shot. I’m drenched.

I muster whatever I can.But I can’t pretend I’m not losing.

I wish I could.

It’s too late anyway. The Psychic vampire is back.

I watch, a mere spectator of my own destruction.

Alone, stranded and waiting.

And it comes. The pain I can’t place.

Unwavering and intense.

I mustn’t shut my eyes. No.

It’s the last I could do.But I don’t.I can’t.

I stare.

The cell.

I run along.My hands trailing the walls.Yes.The cell.

The deadly cold of the walls seeps through me. I have to get out.

The darkness smirks at my inability to escape.

I touch my face.It’s greasy.It’s black.It stinks.

It’s poison.This could kill me.

I have to get out. I’m going to die.

And then it appears. Light under a.. Door?

I feel  it with my hands.Yes.A Door.

I silently scream for the handle.

And I find it.

I’m out even before I know.

And running already. Water. It’s killing me.

My feet carry me on their own.

It’s as if they know.

Familiarity dawns upon me as I move.

But I’ve got no time to wait.

And they stop.

A basin gleams on my right.

I approach and turn the faucet on.

Exhaustion gives way to exhilaration.

As I watch the water flow.

I rub it hard on my face. All of it must go.

And suddenly,

I stop.

I stare into the drain.

I had done it.

I had let the monster reign.

Yet again.

There’s nothing on my face.

I don’t have to check to know.

I can’t stop the tears. They have their reasons.

And when they do on their own, I make my way back to bed.

They’re going to tell me it’s become worse. It has.

I keep the light on and sit up.

Sleep can wait.

It’s the only way I can beat the monster.

A coward who relishes the dark.

My obsession.